f I ever met a hardcore female fan of Chicago-style math rock, I'd marry her on the spot.


Anybody out there know someone like that? cuz ladies, I'm eligible. . . but I'm not holding my breath. The Velvet Teen aren't math-rock by any stretch of the imagination; in fact, the first thing that came to mind when listening to their debut album Out of the Fierce Parade was the music's utilitarian value for propositioning women. Now before I proceed to describe what the band sounds like, go ahead and hazard a guess (don't worry about looking sexist, I won't tell anyone). Everyone should have at least come up with "soft," as in "lulling," "not-very-rocking," "slow," that kind of thing. If you also predicted heavy doses of piano, vocal harmony, falsetto, and English sensitive-rock influences, give yourself a gold star because these guys are all about bringing the melancholy, Anglo-style.


As I was saying earlier, the Velvet Teen has an unflagging grasp of the mope-rock that drives the ladyscenesters wild, which (along with their current obscurity) makes them a good bet for an icebreaker. Though they're from California, the Anglophilia in their sound hits like a double-decker bus, and chicks just adore all that British musical depression. The band's biggest influences seem to be the Cure, the Smiths, and Radiohead, all bands known to have substantial feminine fanbases. And the singer's high falsetto and quavering vibrato recall one Thom Yorke, virtually assuring him acclaim from fans who long for the days of The Bends and OK Computer. Finally, the band's name suggests its sound will appeal to fans of the Get-Up Kids, Teenage Fanclub, Teenage Jesus & the Jerks. . . actually, wait, scratch that last one. You get the idea.


Their potential as a pre-romantic conversation piece notwithstanding, the Velvet Teen actually ply their trade rather well. As you might've guessed, I'm not a major sadcore fan, but I did find myself groovin' to their more upbeat tunes, which are sprinkled throughout the record in a sea of ballads. After the slow-burning first track, I feared the entire record might drown me in a similar self-absorbed dreariness, but "Radiapath"'s exuberance washed away my reservations with cascades of power-poppy guitar hooks and a propulsive backbeat. I felt myself being slowly seduced despite my premature pigeonholing of the Velvet Teen as "chick music." The other rocking tunes on the record crossbreed a distinctly British vocal sensibility with the best elements of American emo (3/4 time, melodic basslines, effective volume dynamics), making for a remarkably compelling blend.


Truth is, the Velvet Teen handles a wide range of tempos with admirable aplomb, but the slower material will be Out of the Fierce Parade's primary selling point simply because it comprises the bulk of the record. Atmospheric, introspective tracks like "Red, Like Roses" and "Pennine the Penultimate" don't quite measure up to Radiohead's finest, but they come surprisingly close for a debut effort. As with the best of the whiny Brits, the melodies stick (whether you want them to or not), and the arrangements are deft enough to sidestep allegations of slavish replication. These guys deliver the goods where bands like Kent, Muse, and Coldplay fall short, and if you like those bands, this one's better. My sole complaint is that the singer's voice begins to grate a bit over the course of the album, but I have the same problem with Yorke, so I doubt that'll be an issue for most listeners.


So fellas, go ahead and drop the Velvet Teen's name next time you step to a scenestress. She probably won't have heard of them, and they very well could become her new favorite band. But you'd also do well to give them a listen yourself, as their craft is incredibly well composed and executed. As for me, I don't think I'll stop looking for Miss Math-Rock quite yet, but this is one sadcore outfit I won't have to pretend to like when making recommendations to potential dates.