Take four measures of good russian vodka and macerate with a handful of fresh mint leaves at the bottom of a coctail shaker. Add two tablespoons of honey, the juice of a fresh lemon, and enough ice to give the jitters to those scientists monitoring the polar caps.

Shake.

Pour.

Serve.

Good? Aye, you bet. Now, another recipe:

Pre-heat your speakers to mark 11. Gently remove the hard, black innards of a Swervedriver's virgin album, 'Raise', discarding the thin paper outer. Place the congealed vinyl mass onto a round platter, gently rotating all the while at 33.3 rpm. Taking due care not to spoil the vinyl, gently apply a pre-boiled needle to the outermost groove; if unsure, ask your record-shop technician to prepare it for you. If you've got things right, you'll be greeted with a satisfying crackle of static - don't worry, this is a mark of organically-farmed rock.

Sit back.

Listen.

Enjoy.

Good? Does the Pope have Parkinson's?