(part 4 of a suddenly far less occasional series)

ROACHFORD - Cuddly Toy

Right, that last bugger took me through from 1 a.m. to a quarter to six of this, on initial appearances, reasonable enough Friday morning. So, why not?

What you have here is 80's Brit-soul hopeful Andrew Roachford coming up with a chat-up line that, depending upon personal opinion, is either genius or fucked. Put simply, Roachford is trying to entice his intended by getting her to sympathise with the fact that when he's at home "a cuddly toy, that's my only joy," i.e. ROACHFORD IS SICK OF WANKING. "Feeeeeeel for me baby!"

What you also have here is the greatest single Pharrell will NEVER make. In a fight between the way Roachford goes "Wum-awwwn" and the way Pharrell goes "Sexy!", Jamie Cullum's New Best Friend is getting the kicking of a lifetime. And there's the guitar and the bass going just that bit too fast, so Roachford, he's a bit surprised, but no, he's Roachford, he's a professional, so he's just going to have to hurry it up a bit to keep up is all, so he does, and cos he's going faster, he's getting more urgent, more and more urgent, and the song's not fucking slowing down! Everytime Andrew thinks he can have a breather, it doesn't notice, so he's away again! "Feeeeeeeeeel for me baby!"

There is no tempo change at all. It starts fast. It ends fast. In between, it's fast, and there's a really big synth guitar solo somewhere along the line too, just in case you haven't quite realised how very much in need Roachford is. If she wasn't feeling for him before, one can only hope that's changed now. Poor bugger had seven hits after this, none of which got top ten, never mind #4 (this got there in January 1989, as a re-issue, but Everyhit doesn't have any notes other than that). As to whether any of them were ever quite as wonderful as this... no idea. For some reason, I'm not holding out much hope.

I went to a club night the other night, which played alternating songs from the eighties and the noughties. This wasn't played, but 'Hands Up (Give Me Your Heart)' was. Feel for him, baby. FEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL!

(n.b. it was a good night apart from that, mind)

(n.b. also - I am very much aware there's loads of songs that are better than Pharrell will ever be, but this one seems closest to what he reckons he sounds like but is just not great enough to sound like, so there. If Pharrell ever decides he's going to try and sound like The Delgados, though... fucker is going DOWN!)