I started off this article with the three songs that I knew that were about masturbation off the top of my head. That is to say three songs I knew off the top of head, not three songs about some kind of strange genital/top of the head masturbatory technique. Once you start digging around, it’s surprising just how many tracks there are on the subject—from greasy rockers with one hand down their leather trousers, to pop princesses polishing the peanut. What’s also surprising is when you find out the song you’ve just written about (The Vapors’ “Turning Japanese”), turns out not in fact to be about it at all.

Do: make wanking the least interesting thing about the song

Pixies- Holiday Song

OK, so giving away a Pixies song on an alternative music website is like bringing pie to a dinner party at Frank Black’s house. Even the meaning of this song is debated en masse, but in my mind, it definitely fits in with this week’s theme. “He took his sister from his head and then painted her on the sheets” seems pretty clear to me. Sure there’s also some incest in there, but this is a Pixies song we’re talking about here—all their early material sounds like the soundtrack to the best film Almodovar never made.

Do: Invite Everyone to the Party

The High & Mighty featuring Bobbito Garcia, Kool Keith, What What- Hands On Experience Part 2

Another surprise was just how much hip-hop there was dedicated to this subject. In the main, it’s not the most humble of genres, and a confession of masturbation is generally an admission of not being able to get your rocks off. So you’d be forgiven of thinking that fisting your mister would figure somewhere between impotence and ironing in the list of hip-hop’s lyrical themes. Not so. This song narrowly beat The Pharcyde’s “On the DL” (although this song may appear in a forthcoming article about songs that mention washing your testicles). The reason High and Mighty takes it is the sheer levels of sleaze from both the sexes on display. What What wins the day, surely, with an attitude towards self-love that borders on the heroic “Holdin’ myself down when I’m on the clit / I’ve got gadgets like I’m fuckin James Bond and shit.”

Don’t: Use it to say “I Love You”

The Divinyls – I Touch Myself

Really I’m including this song because its musical quality is so low, and certainly one of the worst ever to take on this week’s topic. However, since I’m working to a self-imposed limit of specifics, I’ll have to do better than “The Divinyls song is a bit well, y’know—crap”. So I guess I’ll go with the idea that in a desperate bid to avoid love song clichés, they have in fact gone for words that are cheap and attention-seeking. If anything this song does make me want to abuse myself. But in a bad way.

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