For better or worse, our celebrity-obsessed culture craves high profile feuds. We (not me, just you and your boring friends) celebrate and dote on the smallest exchanges of words or gestures, often about things that have no bearing on our lives. 50 Cent and the Game stole headlines. Terrell Owens and Donovan McNabb consumed ESPN for weeks. Entire TV specials were devoted to discussing Bill O’Reilly’s hate for Al Franken and love for loofahs. So maybe its time I write about something interesting—and discuss my favorite celebrity feud.

It starts back in 1995, when Kathleen Hanna was touring with Bikini Kill as part of the Lollapalooza festival. The politically progressive and staunchly feminist front-woman was making her way around the backstage area when she ran into Courtney Love, whose employment of miniskirts and ill-conceived on-stage poses are the real reason underwear is so aggressively marketed in the US. As the two passed each other, Kathleen threw a verbal jab that caught what was left of Courtney’s attention, reportedly asking if Kurt Cobain, who had committed suicide in 1994, was in the closet somewhere with an IV in his arm. Ms. Love sent Kathleen to the floor with a single blow and then proceeded to douse her with Skittles and other assorted candies.

In 1997, NoFX released So Long and Thanks for All the Shoes. Highlights included a noteworthy track entitled “Kill Rock Stars,” which borrowed its namesake from the notoriously feminist record label, home to Bikini Kill and, more specifically, a spoken-word seven inch by Kathleen Hanna. The song was sharply critical of what it perceived to be a sexist double standard implicit in the political leanings of the aforementioned band, specifically on the part of our once-candy-covered heroine. If “I wish I could have seen Courtney / Demonstrate some real misogyny” wasn’t going to spark a feud, nothing would.

Upon the dissolution of Bikini Kill, Kathleen Hanna found a unique artistic voice in digital recording and soon began producing music under the name Julie Ruin, releasing just one album before moving on to other projects. The Julie Ruin self-titled CD managed to throw a jab at Fat Mike, mocking him for being a drunk and preaching rigidly defined punk rock values. “The Punk Singer” was more a celebration of the movement embodied by Kill Rock Stars than a direct counter-attack. The song relies on a “this is how lame you are / This is how sweet I am” approach that doesn’t draw the sort of blood as, say, evoking the Courtney Love candy incident. No names were named and the inattentive listener could have very well missed the references amid the horrible recording quality of the track.

The real retaliation didn’t come until 1999 when Le Tigre, sounding like a more polished Julie Ruin, released their self-titled CD with opening track “Deceptacon” which set out to antagonize both NoFX and Optimus Prime. “Deceptacon” is, aside from being one of the most sampled and remixed songs of recent vintage that I know of, yet another jab at Fat Mike’s then-apolitical and alleged greed-inspired brand of punk rock. Accusing him of being engulfed in his own cult of celebrity, Kathleen mocked nearly every aspect of the man, from his hair to his lyrics to his alleged love for crackers. “Deceptacon” is a great song and everyone in the fucking world uses the line “Wanna disco? Wanna see me disco?” but few employ it with the same disapproving sarcasm with which it was initially written.

Despite being the source of some of the best quotes and mindless reading material available, most celebrity feuds end up as forgettable clashes between wounded egos. I don’t even remember what 50 Cent and the Game were fighting about. But every now and then these heated falling outs and abusive exchanges produce something worth noticing. They somehow add to the beauty of the world, however accidentally, and in those instances we owe all involved a hearty “thank you” for their service. So, thank you Kathleen Hanna and Fat Mike for your artistic contributions and spiteful minds, but most importantly, thank you Mars Inc., if it weren’t for your delicious Skittles, none of this could have happened.

[buy stuff here / here / here]