Lately, I’ve become quite obsessed with this man:

Now, apparently, I have the option of fighting him. Yes, for those who haven’t heard yet, Uwe Boll, video game connoisseur and (apparently) raging lunatic, in a last ditch effort to salvage his career has challenged his most malevolent critics to a boxing match to prove his mettle. This somewhat infelicitous call-to-arms serves as a means to squelch the negative feedback Boll has received from critics and viewers for his seemingly inexhaustible supply of videogame adaptations. I can only pray this establishes a trend implemented by all directors in the future because, seriously, what better way to prove your skills as a filmmaker than beating the shit out of film critics?

Let us examine Boll’s logic on the issue:

“I’m fed up with people slamming my films without seeing them. Many journalists make value judgments on my films based on the opinions of one or two thousand Internet voices. Half of those opinions come from people who’ve never watched my films. If critics want to bring Uwe Boll down, here is their chance to physically bring him down and have the entire world watch them do it.”

Well, I’m convinced. One slight correction, though – it’s not one or two thousand Internet voices, it’s 13,661, and they’ve signed a petition demanding that Boll ceases any further endeavors in cinema. Just think about all the other directors who might approach an online petition that intimidating as a wake-up call to put more effort into their work. Not Boll. Anything that can’t be solved with a good fistfight is not worth solving at all.

Still, Boll proves to be quite the pragmatic handler of negative criticism. In his mind, if they didn’t like the film, chances are they didn’t actually see it, but are merely harboring some sort of inexplicable personal grudge toward the filmmaker. I feel the same way about Brett Ratner. Man, just give that guy a break! I have two words and a number for you: Rush Hour 2. Live it!

But nevermind, for when all is said and done, and the better man wins; will it necessarily prove fortuitous for this feisty German? Well, fate and the German government may say otherwise. Ever wonder how Boll manages to continually finance his films even after they consistently bomb at the box office? I turned to the good folks at Wikipedia (the lazy man’s source for information) for a quick answer.

”Whereas most directors would no longer be able to acquire the funding to continue projects after box office failures such as Alone in the Dark, Boll is able to acquire funding thanks to German tax laws that reward investments in film. The law allows investors in German-owned films to write off 100% of their investment as a tax deduction; it also allows them to invest borrowed money and write off any fees associated with the loan. The investor is then only required to pay taxes on the profits made by the movie; if the movie loses money, the investor gets a tax writeoff.”

It almost sounds like the plot of The Producers, only what Boll has been doing has been well within the limits of the law… until now. From what I understand, the German government plans to put a stop to this, thereby making Uwe Boll’s forthcoming film In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (or whatever the fuck it’s called) the last film sheltered by this tax-free umbrella. Perhaps that explains this little publicity stunt we’re confronted with. Let’s face it, after Dungeon Siege bombs (and we all know it will), Boll won’t have much revenue left over to finance his subsequent film Postal, which is the film he intends to splice clips of his critic brawls into (now that fucking meta!) Let’s hope this pans out as promised and someone steps up, otherwise, I may just have to volunteer myself. How does that sound to you, Dr. Boll?

Exactly.