Has Click come out yet? I don’t even know what’s happening anymore. Since summer has finally made its presence known I’ve settled into that unresponsive state in which I feel no excitement for anything at all. Honestly, what do we have to look forward to? Waist Deep? Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties? Little Man? (the latter being a subject of extreme disconcertion for me).

To be honest, there’s one very good reason I eagerly anticipate the release of the latest Adam Sandler vehicle: the disappearance of its fucking commercials! Perhaps I don’t share the child-like fascination with slow-motion undulating breasts as much as Mr. Sandler does, but after witnessing this nearly fifteen times a day, I’m downright repelled by it now.

The film has forced me to ponder two unavoidable issues here 1.) isn’t this just a rehash of Bruce Almighty (I checked imdb and surprise, it is!) and 2.) what would I do with a remote that could control the world? It certainly wouldn’t involve fast-forwarding through an argument with my wife or inflicting bodily harm upon my son’s smart aleck friends. Or perhaps that’s the state all of us would inevitably digress toward after the boredom of controlling the world set in. Maybe all the needless destruction in the real world can be traced back to a lack of entertainment for whatever entity happens to be controlling our fate. Of course such ruminations should never be addressed when discussing the theological implications of a film like Click as I’m sure, just as Bruce Almighty before it, concepts such as these will be largely ignored.

I think a far more intriguing premise would be one that didn’t center on the perspective of the Sandler character, but occasionally stepped outside his universe to examine the baffling destruction caused by him. And what the hell, why not push his actions to the limit? Instead of slowing down jogging women for his own juvenile pleasure, let’s have him assassinating people who displease him. The film would fail to conform to the family comedy standards it presently adheres to, instead becoming a peculiar and frightening mystery, like an excessively brutal Twilight Zone episode. One minute a character would be conducting business as usual when suddenly and without warning he would drop dead from a blow to the head inflicted by an unseen aggressor. Now that would be a brilliant plot for Sandler to helm!

To take it somewhat further, we could unleash him into a Borges-esque labyrinthine chronology, closely resembling the structure of a Mobius Strip or The Garden of Forking Paths in which Sandler – crazed political reactionary that he is – acts as the second triggerman in the grassy knoll, vanishing from the FBI’s clutches into the stream of time. Or let’s have him appear at pivotal moments in history where his zany hijinks would set off a chain reaction capable of unraveling the very fabric of time itself, undoing all that exists (echoes of A Sound of Thunder emerging here). And think, all this needless destruction set to the J. Geils Band’s upbeat 80’s hit Freeze Frame, now there’s an apocalyptic comedy worthy of my attention.