t seems like a lot of people get into music reviewing for the free music. I am not one of them. During my tenure as editor of Signal Drench Music Magazine from 1997-2000, I received a fairly astonishing amount of promotional copies by merely putting my address on the site. I never once emailed a band, label, or promotional company to be added to their mailing list. Yet after stopping the magazine with my fake death, I was left with a hoard of promotional copies of records and they kept coming. The logical thing to do would be to sell them, but bound by honor to review them (or the inability to sell them because of their outright anonymity and/or repulsiveness), I held onto them. They’ve been sitting in a drawer, many still shrink-wrapped, waiting for their day to be heard. Their promotional one-sheets and press photos have long since met the landfill, but these records will finally be reviewed even if it kills me, you know, for real this time.


1. Eskimo Kisses - Eskimo Kisses EP – Post Parlo

I thought I had this pegged as third wave emo (stuff influenced by the Promise Ring and the Get-Up Kids), but instead, it’s jangly indie rock with some boy-girl vocals. A gracious critic would call these songs “energetic and infectious” but I’ll settle for “chirpy and unmemorable.”


2. The Letter E - Number 5ive Long Player - Tiger Style

Featuring people from bands I like (Rex, June of 44), The Letter E is the soundtrack to your next super-slow bowel movement. Bob Weston’s production keeps everything pristinely clean so you never forget how terrifyingly boring it is. Some records make me sleepy, this one made me comatose.


3. Try. Fail. Try. - We Deal in Lives - Your Best Guess

The cover either advocates fisting or rising up against the man, and true to form, this is hardcore. The liner notes cover it all – there’s a mission statement, printed lyrics with exclamation points, and it was originally released on a seven inch. It’s loud, somewhat tight, and short. So deep, too: “Don’t just cry and rock and drink – TALK about the way we think.”


4. Soul=Junk - 1956 - Sarabellum

Genre-bending hip hop that has a special bonus... it’s Christian! It’s family friendly! No threatening boasts, no overt focus on sex or violence or drugs, no sampling others’ work (because that’s stealing, Mister!) which means that it’s pretty innocuous. The best track is clearly “Life to False Metal,” proving once and for all that they love everything far too much.


5. Slash’s Snakepit - Ain’t Life Grand - Koch

Competing with the likes of Buckcherry for the crown of having the most excess with the least rock, this needs to be quarantined to Los Angeles so that it doesn’t contaminate the water supply. Tattoos’ vocal performance is weak and Leather’s bass lines are sub-par. Clearly, not Slash’s Snakepit’s best work.


6. Hell on Wheels - What is the Influence - MNW

I was on the edge of my seat until they revealed that the influence is “love.” It could also be the Pixies. The other song on the single, “The Reign of Someone Else’s UFOs” comes to a rousing conclusion, which makes me wonder why they didn’t do that sooner.


7. The Search for Saturnalia - Four Letters - Has Anyone Ever Told You?

I remember you. You put out that other record that sounded like all of my favorite early 90s indie rock bands put together, except totally mediocre. This one sounds a lot like Versus’ The Stars Are Insane. They’ve nailed that fuzz tone, but they haven’t made it interesting yet.


8. Various Artists - The Wrong Way Home: A Tribute to Supertramp - Urinine

This may be the worst idea ever. I don’t want to listen to Supertramp, let alone covers by some bland indie rock bands. Hell on Wheels return to the countdown with their version of “The Logical Song,” still sounding like the Pixies, except now much, much more obnoxious. Just because P.T. Anderson says Supertramp’s okay doesn’t mean it’s true.


9. Michael J. Sheehy - Sweet Blue Gene - Beggars Banquet

The first song would lead me to believe that this record is going to be full of quiet excursions into chamber pop focusing on the emotional qualities of Sheehy’s voice, but since the next few songs are loud and misguided, I have no clue.


10. I See Spots - Cantilevered Heart - Arlingtone

This is thoroughly pleasant college rock a la mid 80s R.E.M. that unfortunately shows little differentiation from track to track. It’s all slow or mid-tempo and largely acoustic, and while some of the melodies are nice, pleasant music grows old very fast. Constructive criticism; make friends with a cellist.


11. Various Artists - Holiday Matinee Compilation Volume 2 - Better Looking

It was great when the promotional companies sent me stuff like bottle openers (I don’t drink) and matches (I don’t smoke) and compilations (I don’t like Bright Eyes) in addition to the records they wanted me to review. A few interesting songs (No Knife, remix of the Faint), but half of it is previously released.


12. Japanic - Red Book - Pleathorazine

Bad timing for Japanic – the post-punk meets electro-clash revival started two years later and required some talent at the door. I remember attempting to listen to this at some point and nearly getting an aneurysm from the “Golden Radio.” Some parts of Devo just don’t work for you, kids. Note to everyone; put your annoying song at the end of the album, not second.


13. Persons - Promo CD-R - Black Bean Placenta

This is why you don’t allow your children to have keyboards and money; they’re bound to make meandering new wave records sooner or later. At the very least, teach them the importance of brevity because five minute track lengths for Casio-core are absurd.


14. The Olive Group - Blue - Post Parlo

And this is when I start remembering why I hate reviewing records. The Olive Group is like The Sea and Cake or American Football if all of the life and energy were drained from them, leaving only the flaccid skeletal structure. Better luck next time for the both of us.


15. UHF - Lottery - Second Story

Nostalgia permeates this release, from the gumball machine filled with childhood relics adorning the cover to the lyrics about best friends. Unfortunately, I will never look fondly upon the day I finally listened to UHF, because I’ll probably forget about this by #28.


16. Alice Despard Group - Alice Despard Group - Arlingtone

If you’ve ever wondered “Can women make forgettable indie rock just as well as men?” I have your answer. Yes, yes they can. Alice Despard and company have clearly given women’s liberation a shot in the arm with this release. It could be a rallying cry for the movement if everyone stays awake.


17. Jeremy Keller and Matthew Mehlan - Frank Thomas, 1993 - Self-Released

Never get promotional materials directly from someone because then they know what you look like. Jeremy Keller, now of Everybody Uh-Oh, has given me the evil eye ever since I didn’t review this promotional CD-R. It has some nice shimmering guitar tones, but not much in the way of songwriting. There. Stop staring at me.


18. Dewey Defeats Truman - B-Sides, Rarities, and Out-Takes - Silver Girl

Covering a relatively contemporary song like Sebadoh’s “Magnet’s Coil” at the end of your record (which isn’t comprised of b-sides, rarities, and out-takes, much to my chagrin) is completely boneheaded, because it reminds me that 1. Sebadoh did this guitar-oriented indie rock better and 2. I could be listening to Sebadoh.


19. Daemien Frost - Corpus Daemo - Alpha Relish

I received this album more than a year after I stopped the magazine from an Irish label who’d previously released stuff I liked (The Null Set). Naturally, this is some of the more interesting material to surface from the pile, dismantling so much of the indie rock that came before it with angry deconstructionist tendencies. It’s a bit unfocused, but at least it doesn’t sound like goddamn Versus.


20. The Migs - The Migs - Self-Released

These breezy SoCal songs focus on one of two things: bad lyrics or possessing a surplus of instruments. I’ll take the former. This isn’t too bad for background music; every now and then a marimba will rise above the mix and add a Spanish flair to the proceedings. I wouldn’t mind hearing this while having some enchiladas.


21. DARYL - Communication: Duration - Urinine

Reminds me a lot of Menthol’s recent Danger: Rock Science in how it revives edgy new wave without falling into electro-clash territory, yet this retains the structure of indie rock. This isn’t the holy grail of this bin, but it’s probably the best thing so far: upbeat and enjoyable.


22. Resident Clark - Horseshoes and Handgrenades - Big Deal

New addition to the critical lexicon: parentcore. Who books shows at wineries, anyway? Lots of things are terminally unhip, but sounding like a version of Blues Traveler for the Cat Stevens generation has to be somewhere near the top. More cowbell in the monitor, thanks.


23. Lapsong - Third Day Demo - Self-Released

Reason number one why cheap CD-R promos are a bad idea: my computer does not want to play them for more than a minute at a time. Unless a drastic change was afoot, this seemed to be a refresher course on gritty bluegrass meets indie rock.


24. Brazen - ...As Floods Decrease - Snuff

This time the darts hit “post-hardcore” and “Switzerland.” Brazen picked a good band name to accompany their utmost adherence to a scorched earth policy. Naturally, I prefer the slower parts free of gut-wrenching screams, but this is tight and brutal, recalling of Dirt Nap with increased hardcore tendencies.


25. Hacksaw - Hacksaw - SpectaSonicSound

Canada exports some aggressive hard rock that has mild tinges of Quicksand and Helmet, but remains faceless amidst their would-be pummeling rock assault. Occasionally they’ll stumble across an interesting riff, but by in large, I count on customs to keep this stuff away from me.


26. Adolfo’s Reversal - Adolfo’s Reversal - Six Gun Lover

This particular blend of tricky post-rock unnerves me. It fits practically every trope of the genre that I dislike – there are occasional, borderline decent vocals, there are tons of wanky riffs but no climaxes, and when they try to do anything else, it’s painfully out of step. This truly is indie rock’s answer to Steve Vai.


27. The Limes - Turn Your Lights Off - Deluxe

There are indie rock bands and there are bands who failed to get on a major label. The Limes are the former. Song titles like “The Rock,” “Solid State,” and “The Metal Zone Song” cover the emotional depth found here; they like their instruments and their music and it would sure be great if everyone on earth heard about it. I’ll be over here.


28. Permissionslip - Jealousy Rules - Self-Released

The problem with this is that it got past his circle of friends. The lyrics could easily be exhumed from some aimless blog posts (but not mine, of course), and the drum machine needs to die a slow death. The guitar work isn’t too bad. Move somewhere else and join a real band, dude.


29. Waawe - Timestorm Was the Signal - Minority

I’m glad people in the Czech Republic form bands, because this beats the majority of the American rock from this pile. It’s off-kilter in a great way, shifting from light, Sea and Cake informed light-rock to ambient electronics to focused post-rock within the span of a song. Keeper.


30. I See Spots - Word Order - Deep Reverb

This is the earlier release from I See Spots. They still sound like 80s college rock, but this one doesn’t rely on the acoustic guitar nearly as much, ranging from a tremolo riff akin to the Smiths to the occasional burst of distortion. I don’t understand how the other record came after this one, because this is a lot better.


31. Dee Snider - Never Let the Bastards Wear You Down - Koch

Apparently, this is a bit of an odds and ends record, which is great for me, the avid Dee Snider fan. The highlight is obviously his long-awaited cover of “The Wanderer.” Not only did he wax nostalgically about each track, he included a merchandise catalog in the liner notes. I will shortly have five different Dee Snider hats.


32. Frisbie - The Subversive Sounds of Love - Hear Diagonally

If my drive to expand my musical awareness stopped in seventh grade when I heard Matthew Sweet’s Girlfriend, this might be my new favorite record. The problem with power pop is that it’s absolutely worthless if it doesn’t have a solid hook, and a handful of these are instantly forgettable.


33. 7 Seconds - Scream Real Loud... Live! - Side One Dummy

I never went through a straightforward punk or hardcore phase and I doubt I’m going to now. These guys have been around the block and back a few times, but part of me thinks that you only really need one live record in your career, and it should be filled exclusively with covers of 80s pop songs.


34. This Busy Monster - Fireworks - Barsuk

Aesthetically speaking, this is a mixed bag, ranging from the lilt of indie-bluegrass to noisy rock to ambient piano ballads. Unfortunately, the line between being varied and being unfocused is quite thin, and I’d place them dangerously close to the latter. There is something to be said for taking chances, and TBM are undoubtedly doing that.


35. Michael J. Sheehy - Sweet Blue Gene - Beggars Banquet

I have two copies of this and I don’t know why. The first one was okay, but holy fuck, this one is terrible. It’s all kiddie choirs and club beats. At one point they had animal sounds set to a minor key kazoo melody, and that was the peak of this record.


36. The Evergreen Trio - For All Intents and Purposes - My Hero

Someone send a memo to scene kids everywhere; playing keyboard along to your mid-tempo emo pop does not mean you’ve incorporated electronica into your sound, no matter what your one-sheet says. I understand the need to differentiate your faceless moping from everyone else’s faceless moping, but find a better marketing strategy.


37. Hefner - Boxing Hefner - Too Pure

Rarities compilations don’t make too much sense to send to people who’ve never heard the band. “Here are some songs that weren’t good enough for the album!” This is fine enough – edgy, nervous Brit-pop about failed romances – but since I’m not persuaded to go out and buy their other records, I have no idea if they can do much better.


38. 010 - Still Life with Peripheral Grey - No Karma

Derivatives of the Sea and Cake’s light, jazz-influenced work are the rough equivalent of Kenny G – fine for elevators, bad for practically everything else. This also reminds me of the first Pele record, the one that sounded like eight attempts to play the Charlie Brown theme.


39. Subset - Overpass - Post Parlo Records

Restrained indie rock isn’t typically exciting, but amidst all of these unforgiving missteps, it’s a blessing. Concise, melodic, and moody, Subset do something that few bands in this pile have; make an impression. Name-checking my hometown in “Off of Pleasant Valley” is a nice touch (even if it’s a different Pleasant Valley).


40. Golden - Golden Summer - Slowdime

This record sits somewhere between classic boogie, math-rock, and sonic experiments, which would have been a marginally interesting position had their voices and interminable song lengths not entered the mix. Pretension this boring makes the technophile tendencies of Phillip Manley’s other band, Trans Am, all the more interesting.


41. Various Artists - Just Another Taste of the Electronic Watusi Boogaloo - Kindercore

Break-beats, funk derivations, and sample-driven melodies are the touchstones of this compilation, proving that Sweden can produce DJ Shadow clones in addition to garage rock and Abba. Biowire’s “Fantasize” is the only track that really caught my ear, a light-hearted reconstruction of Squarepusher’s foundations, but aside from the bland Oh Polo and Les Hommes, most of this is passable or better.


42. Tracker - Ames - FILMguerrero

The first song feigns the instrumental Scenic route indicated by the southwestern landscape cover art, but most of this record comes closer to rock than Bruce Licher’s projects. The regional touches appear, and between compelling songwriting, the aesthetic, and reverb-laden production, this is a fine choice for your next aimless road trip to the desert.


43. Calibos - Calibos - Arlingtone

I don’t even want to think about how many albums I own that could roughly be described as “chiming indie rock with a distortion fetish.” Calibos inserts some twists and turns into the dynamic structure, but the periodic vocals are weak and the melodies don’t stick with me.


44. Craig Bennett - More City Sadness - Black Cottage

It’s a wolf from Georgia lurking in Brit-pop’s clothing. It would be fairly good if the vocal affection weren’t so obvious and irritating. Is there some community college musical theater course devoted to attaining this type of fake English accent?


45. Neptune - Studio Recordings / May, MCMXCVII - Arch Enemy

They made their own instruments, an accomplishment by itself, but the unholy racket that spews forth from the jagged metal is equally impressive. Aside from the segments where they’re far too amused by something buzzing or rattling (little babies, them), the resulting damaged art-rock retains some tight grooves amidst the wreckage.


46. Rhythm of Black Lines - Set a Summary Table - Six Gun Lover

I rather enjoyed the first track from Rhythm of Black Lines’ debut EP, “Pistols in the Piano,” a compelling concoction of progressive rock and hook-derived songwriting, but the vocals are gone and progressive rock’s bloated inconsistencies run rampant. Their chorus pedals are clearly .


47. Slowcoach - New Strategies Are Necessary, This Is Not Solid Ground - Silver Girl

With a title like that, you’re absolutely begging for it. This is like tee ball. Most of the songs are grunge-tinged, overdriven indie rock, and then a handful of them are just sound experiments that don’t go anywhere. Occasionally they’ll hit a good chord progression or vocal hook and ride it to the next song, but overall, new strategies...


48. Quix*o*tic - Night for Day - Ixor Stix

From the ashes of Autoclave and Slant 6 arise the ghostly presence of Quix*o*tic, but their vaguely goth garage rock does little but walk around the house in a sheet and rattle chains. The record is haunted by sixties soul covers, but there’s more style here than substance: ethereal visages I’ll forget once fall back asleep.


49. The Lull Account - The Lull Account - Grand Theft Autumn

The sticker compares this to Godspeed You Black Emperor!, but it should specify and say “You know, the parts where nothing happens.” It would be fairly interesting on a sonic level if the whole thing wasn’t so damned reserved, but these are just shadows flickering against the wall, exclusively background music that hides from sight.


50. Canyon - Canyon - Slowdime

Another evocation of the Southwest, this time inexplicably from members of former Midwestern rockers Boys Life and based out of DC. The authenticity level may have gone down, but these songs stay closer to the desert aesthetic. Yet, I would prefer to be wandering aimlessly amidst the cactus with songs I care about.


51. Johnny Dowd - Pictures of Life’s Other Side - Koch

I don’t trust Koch Records; I’m worried that Dee Snider and/or Slash’s Snakepit will make appearances. Luckily, that never happens, and Dowd’s dark tales and contemporary reappraisals of country and bluegrass turn out to be the real deal. He’s beyond the half century mark, but Dowd’s not living entirely in the past.


52. The Lesser Birds of Paradise - Suitable Frame - Loose Thread

Why the hell do only unassuming singer-songwriters play at coffee houses? Shouldn’t the caffeine perk them up and push them past the strum and mumble phase? Lesser Birds takes a decent batch of such material and adds a lot of barely noticeable instrumental touches. Fuck a ukulele, they need a double cappuccino.


53. The Baptist Generals - The Dog EP - Quality Park

They’re on Sub Pop now, but this was their first full release, a lo-fi headache in the shape of an EP. I presume they saved their best material for the full-length, as this is undercooked, with a few songs barely registering before their noisy acoustic gait lopes past. Take this ol’ dog out back and shoot it, Pa.


54. Norfolk & Western - Centralia - FILMguerrero

I’ll hand it to FILMguerrero; they find solid albums and put them in gorgeous sleeves. Centralia is quietly compelling, subsuming piano and pedal steel amidst the ache of the opener, “Of Divided Night,” and finding other ways to nonchalantly express heartbreak. Tracker’s John Askew makes a fitting appearance, as this is a nice complement to Ames.


55. Legends of Rodeo – South Atlantic Hymns EP - Academic Life

This isn’t horrible, mind you, but I could have gone much, much longer without hearing any more bands even marginally influenced by the Promise Ring. The retarded wordplay isn’t as overt, but a line like “We drove for miles and miles of Miles Davis” is a good reason not to print lyrics.


56. Rocky Votolato - A Brief History - Your Best Guess

Yawn. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; the most soporific albums are the ones that aren’t intentional. This is the monotonous solo debut from the singer of Waxwing, who I also don’t care about. “Plastic Jesus” is a cover of a song from the Cool Hand Luke soundtrack, so I’ll echo a sentiment from that movie; “Stay down!”


57. Johnny Romania - Popchaser - Extant

I was expecting pithy singer-songwriter material, but this is periodically interesting synth rock with an unfortunate tendency to meander aimlessly for long stretches. Just because your drum machine doesn’t get tired doesn’t mean your songs don’t have to end in a reasonable amount of time.